This Drifting Poo Was Far Too Symbolic! These Are the Television Disappointments of the Year.
Looking back, we consider the TV offerings of the past year, a handful of shows emerge not for their excellence, but for their spectacular failures. From awkward sequels to confusingly bad docuseries, here are the programmes that had us scratching our heads or simply reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
Where to begin with this love/hate follow-up? Burdened with woeful scripts, painful character development (justice for Miranda!), and a mere 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the series fought to justify its existence. For a moment, as the third season started, it seemed as if it had at last hit its stride. Then came an episode all about Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the creator declared this would be the last season. It concluded on a low point; the closeup of Miranda’s loo full of poo was simply too on-the-nose. Yet, fans undeniably found joy picking apart every single “wtf?” moment. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – danced around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who couldn't let out a small sob?
All’s Fair
‘Can Kim Kardashian act? The answer is a resounding no.’
But that was practically the least of this show's problems. The recipient of a very rare zero star assessment, it was hard to know where to start enumerating the flaws. The laughably wooden writing? The tedious veneration of wealth and materialism? The seemingly deliberate parade of cliches? Acting so bad they felt borderline spiteful? Suffice it to say “all of the above” and never speak of this show again. However, a second season has been ordered, so we’re probably going to have to.
The Charlie Sheen Documentary
Considering the legal troubles, domestic violence allegations and parental failures, it’s fair to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not that you’d really have known it from this multi-part documentary which smirked its way at Sheen’s various bouts of reckless hedonism while failing to tell us anything we didn’t already know. Rather, it felt as if this volatile personality was being pandered to, so any pity this series might evoke should be reserved for the people who have had to suffer proximity with this charismatic but dismissive narcissist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Naturally we understood it was preposterous from the outset: a thriller about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or annihilate all of humanity. We persevered out of sheer admiration for its leads … but by the end, it felt like even they had stopped bothering. One scarcely reacted when his character died, and the other ended up slicing Charlie with an axe … in super slow-motion. Talk about giving up the ghost.
MobLand
Shady figures meeting in empty boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its gangland drama back.
In truth, that is harsh on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many seem a bit old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t endure the ignominy of having to indulge unconvincing accents. But there were many other problems. Mainly that it was just really dull; a conflict over drug-selling territory between various London picaresques which seemed rather simplistic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Given the extent to which she provokes the ire of the nation’s ostentatiously enraged commentators, it’s temptingly tempting to applaud the Duchess of Sussex’s televised forays into quaint lifestyle as deliberate statements. But then you watch them and are forced to admit that actually, they might have a point. It’s like watching a homeware catalogue animated; a meme for wine o’clock with ideas of grandeur; a procession of snoozing dogs, buzzing beehives, sentimental platitudes and forgettable crafting “tips” you’ll forget instantly. All supported by vast, largely unearned wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are obviously fascinating things to be discussed about both Victoria Beckham and her struggles with career, self-image, self-acceptance. But for some reason, this three-part series opted not to say them. Rather, the experience was akin to reading a marketing catalogue. She obviously has every right to bridle at what she describes as her “miserable cow” image. But sadly, she didn’t do herself any favours with this cagey non-event of a series.
The Game Show
It had the potential to be the next cultural phenomenon – except even more extravagant, with a famous star as a deceased benefactor and a sharp-tongued personality managing her inheritance. What more could you ask for? As contestants battled it out, there was plenty of backstabbing and arguing. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s even now too complicated to detail what exactly was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw glimpses of the star via filmed videos. The show ended up smelling of a production that was straining desperately to live up to something far greater than it.
The Lena Dunham Romcom
How do you succeed a show that captured a generation? The pressure was enormous for this glitzy romcom about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who arrives in London with a shattered romance. The lead actress took her biggest role by the horns and was joyous to watch, reveling in Jane Austen levels of romantic notions. But it was all very slick and, paradoxically, was insufficient. Plus, the abundance of famous cameos involved felt uncomfortable.
Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping
Not even good enough to be ‘patchy’.
Given the shrewd recruitment of gifted emerging comics, expectations were high. But sadly, most of it didn’t land. A recurring sketch was a one-note joke milked to a husk but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a familiar irate mode. The writing room sketches, meanwhile, simply provoked the idea that they should probably have remained in there a bit longer.
The Knox Dramatisation
This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much exclusively presented the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an compelling drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this isn’t it. The subject matter needed to be handled with care. Instead, the series struggled painfully to find the right voice, lurching from strangely jaunty, somewhat mannered farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Twisted? Arguably. A total mess? Very much so.
Prime Target
We love the star … but did we buy him playing the greatest maths genius in history, a man so smart he’s on the verge of a breakthrough that could destabilise society? No! This international thriller about government agencies spying on – and eliminating – academics honestly got more farcical by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.
1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story
This hagiography followed the online personality renowned for explicit escapades as she prepared for her biggest challenge yet. What on earth would possess her? What we craved was far greater interrogation of her true psychology, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have interviewed the legendary mum who showed up to haul her son out of the queue. What we got was disturbing imagery and zero interrogation of her notoriety whatsoever. It's staggering to consider, the filmmaker has a teenage daughter too.